Opinions Editor James Wendt proposes new definitions and offers his reactions to Olympic events

By Opinions Editor James Wendt

This Sunday, the Olympics will draw to a close. Since their opening on Feb. 7, I have been expressing my love for this world-renowned athletic competition.

My favorite Olympic events are the ones that have what I like to call the “you-should-probably-be-dead” factor. If I’m not a little bit surprised that the athletes are still breathing at the end of their run, routine, or jump, then the event can hardly be considered an Olympic sport. While I love the Olympics, I would like to offer some amendments to the event descriptors. Below I’ve paired official Olympic definitions with my own personal definitions for events that I think need rebranding.

Curling

Official definition: A game played on ice between two teams composed of four players each trying to get a stone closest to a target area.

Jamesinition: Nerdier, colder bocce ball.  If I wanted see an out-of-shape weirdo sweating and vigorously sweeping the ground, I’d walk into my kitchen and pick up a broom.

Ice Hockey

Official: A competition between two teams attempting to hit a puck into their opponent’s goal using sticks.

Jamesinition: I know who Patrick Kane is. That’s all you need to know about hockey.

Snowboarding

Official: Athletes ride specially developed, flexible boards or stiff, narrow boards to compete in various events.

Jamesinition: The only Olympic event sponsored exclusively by dreadlocks. It seems in order to even qualify for many of the snowboarding events, the athlete must outwardly appear to be a direct descendant of the hippies who attended Woodstock.

Mogul Freestyle Skiing

Official: Descent down a bumpy slope.

Jamesinition: A sadist’s favorite event. Each bump the skier takes brings him closer to breaking his ankles, knees, and hips. Maybe one of the events that the creators of the Olympics threw together last minute saying, “Oh @#$%. The Olympics are tomorrow. Let’s throw some speed bumps on a hill and see how it goes.”

Speed Skating

Official: Athletes travel a defined distance as fast as possible.

Jamesinition: This is really the only socially-acceptable time a man is encouraged to wear a unitard.

Figure Skating

Official: Programs include compulsory elements combined with free programs for individuals and couples.

Jamesinition: They’re essentially wearing knives on their feet. If anyone else in the world tried to do what these athletes can do, he would walk onto the ice and surely be wheeled off, at worst paralyzed, or at a minimum lacerated by himself.

Skeleton

Official: A headfirst descent on a special track with artificially frozen ice in a sled.

Jamesinition: The name alone implies impending death. When a person voluntarily propels himself head first at 80 MPH, then, duh, I’m going to love that.

Luge

Definition: Involves sliding at high speeds on single or two-person sleds on a track of artificially frozen ice.

Jamesinition: Skeleton for crybabies.

The Winter Olympics were lots of fun, but I’m looking forward to the 2016 Summer Olympics. Remember to root for our U.S. athletes when they compete in Rio de Janeiro, where the Olympic Village will be constructed exclusively of cardboard, and the Brazilians’ limited supply of drinking water will be diverted into an Olympic-sized swimming pool for Michael Phelps to splash in.