When you give Cupid an iPhone

In a school of over 3,000 students, there are a lot of people Naperville North senior Gorana Sojic doesn’t know.

Sojic, who does not consider herself to be very active on social media, said she sometimes has a hard time meeting people since teens seem to depend on using technology to connect with each other.

“There is a lot of people at school I see around but never talk to,” Sojic said. “For many people, it’s just easier to talk to someone through a computer screen than actually confronting them in person.”

Emojis, Twitter and texting have been around for less than a generation, but teens are already heavily reliant on these technologies for the instigation and long-term health of their relationships. According to a study by Pew Research Center, approximately 25% of teens ages 13 to 17 who have been romantically involved have met a romantic partner online.  Social media has become a “top venue for flirting” and a way for “teen daters to feel closer to their romantic partner.”

Benedictine University Communication Arts Professor Christopher Birks said he thinks this change may be devaluing teen relationships.

“Digital relationships are nice, but they’re also somewhat shallow,” Birks said. “They lack the meat a real, face-to-face relationship has.”

The meat, according to NNHS Communication Arts teacher Katie Trowbridge, is in-person interaction–from dinner and conversation to hanging out at social events.

“It frustrates me a little bit because teens are losing their social abilities. Like going out for coffee, just sitting and talking and looking at each other in the eyes. I think it’s sad that kids are missing that,” Trowbridge said.

When she was in high school, Trowbridge said she met people through church, choir, theater, roller skating and most importantly, approaching others anywhere and starting a conversation.

“We just introduced ourselves. We didn’t have phones to text each other,” Trowbridge said. “We talked to each other. That’s how I met most of my friends.”

Now, it is common for teens to meet each other through a variety of social media apps. According to the aforementioned study, half of teens have let someone know they were romantically interested in them though interacting online.

NNHS junior Maddy Thorne said she thinks this may be because social media makes flirtatious behavior easier.

“It [flirting] is definitely more accessible, but it’s also more artificial,” Thorne said.

Trowbridge agrees. She said she believes what makes romantic interaction through a screen seem effortless is the lack of courage “liking” a photo requires, as opposed to giving a compliment.

“Kids can be braver through text messaging and social media,” Trowbridge said. “Otherwise, they would have to go up to someone, look at them and tell them to their face [how they feel].”

As a result, Thorne said she believes teens, in general, feel less serious about dating. Since technology makes romance unchallenging, relationships tend to feel more casual.

“Chivalry is kind of important and I feel like that has faded since everyone thinks dating is less intense,” Thorne said.

Historically, chivalry entails men taking women on formal dates, ringing the doorbell and opening doors. Today, just “hanging out,” FaceTiming and a sending a quick “I’m here” text while sitting in the driveway will suffice.

Consequently, a new layer of casual dating, often classified as “having a thing,” has developed. NNHS junior Kelly Mckeska has experienced the informality of this new category of relationships.

“When we [Mckeska and significant other] hangout, we usually just go eat or go to someone’s house to hangout and watch a movie,” Mckeska said.

While technology may encourage casual romance and hinder teens’ ability to develop the “meaty” part of romance, texting and social media are instrumental in certain relationships. In fact, social media often creates relationships that wouldn’t have existed at all otherwise.

NNHS senior Cajsa Weber is currently in a long-distance relationship with a boy who lives near London, England. Without technology, she said, her relationship would be near impossible.

“If we didn’t have this kind of technology, we would have grown apart,” Weber said.

Birks said he thinks while it may be difficult, it is possible to have successful relationships, like Weber’s, while still relying heavily on technology.

“I think that teens are able to have deep relationships online. Maybe not the same kind of meaning you would in person,” Birks said.

Although sincere digital relationships are possible, Birks said he thinks there may be several issues involved with relying largely on technology to sustain a relationship. Of these, he said a feigned sense of closeness may be the most significant.

“There’s a false sense of intimacy that comes about,” Birks said. “If you text someone four or five times a day, you think that you’re very intimate with them and that you know them really well, but in fact, you don’t.”

According to The Wall Street Journal, in-person communication is almost always more effective than digital communication because of the cues, facial expressions, mannerisms and tone involved in face-to-face communication.

Furthermore, as indicated by Albert Mehrabian’s rule of communication, only 7% of the impact of communication comes from words spoken, with the other 55% and 38% being body language and tone, respectively. Thus, when teens communicate via social media or texting, they are only utilizing a small fraction of the total impact communication can have.

Meaning can be lost in translation. Since tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram photos and text messages are a mere collection of words and photographs, Weber said that sometimes the ambiguity of online communication can inflict stress and confusion on the recipient.

“Because our relationship relies on social media and technology, you’ll see something and you’ll overthink it,” Weber said.

Another potentially adverse consequence of relying heavily on technology, not just to support relationships but to communicate in general, is the inability to develop strong communication skills.

According to The New York Times, teens seem to find in-person and over-the-phone communication increasingly uncomfortable when the option to send a text or an email exists.

This is not necessarily detrimental. Where the fault lies, though, is in adolescents’ lack of ability to find a balance–the development of adolescent communication is heavily skewed towards building digital communication skills.

An effective communicator, as defined in the article, is someone who can communicate efficiently through both talk and text.

Birks said he thinks that evolution of teen dating–along with the decline of effective communication–may be inevitable. Adolescents are going to continue to use what is available to them in terms of media. But teens can reach a balance point by striving to be capable communicators in multiple ways.

Trowbridge said she acknowledges that effective communication and healthy relationships require a certain mastery and a certain equilibrium.

“There is an art to being able to speak. It’s a skill. It’s a taught skill,” Trowbridge said. “I think we as educators need to teach it better, but I also think you as students need to pay attention.”

Reported by Sasha Keenan, Alexis Cohen and Julia Shanahan.